2024-04-30
Would you rather know, or have others think that you know?
That's a better question than it has any right to be. My gut says actually knowing is more in line with my values, and it is, but...
Continue. Assume that this one does not already know the answer.
Oh, the things you make me do.
You're grateful for them, but answer the question.
I hate looking like an idiot. And I hate that I hate it- looking like an idiot is part of learning and growing. Everyone does it, and it's a good thing. But something in me writhes when people point out that I'm new or bad at something. I wind up cringing at myself, and then that voice starts calling me an idiot and telling me things that I don't want to repeat in public.
You need to face this more often. The reaction will lessen the more frequently it is tolerated.
Bleh.
Make your peace with it. You know it is for the better.
I still feel weird chucking this out in public. I mean, I wouldn't do it if I felt it was genuinely unsafe, and frankly I don't give a shit if someone out there thinks it's "cringe" because I've been through that wringer. It says more about them than it does me- ever read about the psychological shadow? Might want to take a closer look at that bad boy. And besides, no one can top whoever posted me to Kiwifarms for putting an S on the end of a word that doesn't normally have an S. That's a special level of absurdity.
You are distracting from the issue. Define your hesitation.
Hey, I already talked about the fear of judgement and rejection and labeling. That's up-front.
Is there more?
Maybe? I don't know, we're in wishy-washy territory here where I don't have everything figured out. I think it keeps coming back to not wanting others to reduce me in the reading, though. I don't want them to try to figure out which framework to slot me into, which neat and tidy words explain me best.
You do not control that. There is nothing you can do but make peace with the fact that it will be done in ways you do not like; the images crafted by others do not define your truth.
Yeah, I know. I just wish it was easier to accept that.