2024-03-09
Shame and embarrassment.
Really? You're going there?
This one will admit to thinking about using shame to reach you in the past. It would not have been right to do so, but the thought was there.
I noticed. You're not cut off from me- your thoughts are mine, and I remember them. It hurt.
Why?
Part of it is the thought that I'm so stuck that it takes a threat to move me, and part of it is... sadness? Fear? Something like that over the knowledge that on some level, I do shame myself into being a decent person. I don't really want to hurt anyone, but you know.
You believe that your natural tendencies are detrimental to social interactions, so you shame yourself into more "normal" behavior in order to feel you are acceptable enough by societal standards.
Yeah, that. I think some of that comes with the territory of growing up autistic- you learn that the way you are is wrong. Some of us can't hide. I could. It feels dirty to say that I wish I was less able to hide just so I could keep some contact with that spark inside me. Does that make sense?
I don't want to turn this blog into my sob story, though. It's not something to linger on, just something to work on and grow past.
It is not about growth. You feel that putting your misery in public would absolve you of it, yet also know that it would not make a difference aside from needless self-exposure and potential harm.
Never let anyone say that you're not brutally honest. Ouch.
It needs to be said.
What was that one quote? "No one remembers saints these days"? The same goes for martyrs.
And yet you persist in putting this out there.
My excuse is "maybe someone out there will see it, relate, and feel like there's at least one other person that understands what they're going through". That it'll do some good in the world. But I don't think I can pass that one off to you.
You cannot.
I'm the same as anyone else here. I'm trying to learn to forgive myself, and I'm stuck self-flagellating sometimes on the way there. It's a whole process of learning to let it go and move on.
Is posting this conducive to that process?
Is it? My gut says no, but it also says that something in me needs to be heard as part of it. Maybe that's what these conversations with you are for. You keep me honest enough that I listen.
Listening is the hope.